As a former evangelical Protestant, I didn’t grow up with godparents, but I had seen them in the movies, so I figured I pretty much understood what it was all about. To me, godparents seemed to be close family friends or extended family members who would be willing to adopt your child in the event that you and your spouse were dead. So, in hindsight, I may have been a little off.
An article I read recently argued that healthy children need at least five stable adults investing their lives. Who will be those five for your kids? Perhaps you have a local, extended family that can easily fill those roles for your kids. But often in our modern world, we lack those thick relationships for ourselves and for our children. When you choose loving, involved, and pious godparents for your children, your kids will have people in their lives to support them spiritually, other than their parents. As parents, you can rest assured that your children’s godparents are going to come along side you and assist you in raising your children in the faith. For a convert like me, this is an enormous relief, knowing we aren’t going it alone. Godparents offer their godchildren someone they can go to for advice, confide in, and trust when they make bad choices and need help or just a listening ear.
Reflecting on my own rebellious teen years, maybe I would not have gotten into so many shenanigans if there had been godparents in my life!
I have come to learn that godparents exist to prayerfully guide their godchildren in the Orthodox faith. This is exemplified best in Orthodox baptism services when godparents (NOT the parents) hold the child, answer questions on behalf of the child, and accompany them to their first communion.
My Orthodox Sponsors
When my husband and I were inquirers in the Orthodox Church, our priest identified another couple who, like us, were also former Anglicans, lived near us, and who had a similar conversion story (read: husband leading the way to Orthodoxy, wife dragged along kicking and screaming á la Frederica Mathews-Green in Facing East). Father called them our “sponsors.” They were there to pray for us, answer questions, offer hospitality if possible, and generally, just share their experiences with us, all of which they did. Since we came to the parish cold, not knowing anyone, it was helpful for the priest to select appropriate and spiritually-mature sponsors for us. This helped us get connected and integrated into the parish more easily.
When we joined the church, our sponsors gifted each of us with an Orthodox Study Bible, which we have treasured. If you don’t have one of those yet, it’s absolutely necessary. The footnotes and study articles regularly blow my mind!
Choosing Godparents for my Children
When we became catechumen, my husband and I began thinking about who should be the Orthodox godparents for our only daughter, Constance. The sticking point was that she already had godparents from her infant baptism in the Reformed Episcopal Church. We had chosen my sister-in-law and her husband to be Constance’s godparents then, and I wasn’t sure how choosing another set of godparents would work. In the end, Father explained that an Orthodox sponsor’s primary responsibility would be to pray for the child and to be an example of a faithful Orthodox Christian in his or her life. Once I realized that having an extra set of godparents was just having more people praying for your child and not a potential custody battle, I was able to relax more about the process.
In the few months that we had been attending St. Patrick’s Orthodox Church, I had met another mom with young kids who seemed friendly and devout. I noticed that she and her husband brought their kids to evening masses, even though it was late and difficult. In essence, they were committed. And I observed how they were teaching their children to behave and participate in Mass—no easy task. Every church I had ever been to before had a nursery during the Sunday service, so this was new for me! Mark and I asked Father if this couple would be good godparents for our daughter, and he happily approved of our choice.
However, the godmother-to-be wasn’t so sure. The church was still a mission and quite small at that time. Most of the parishioners were from a very large, extended family. The would-be godmother was delighted that a new non-related family was joining the church, and she was already plotting and hoping that perhaps our children might get married someday! (Don’t be too hard on us, we didn’t know many other Orthodox people at the time). Apparently old church canons forbid marriage between god-siblings, unless given a dispensation from the bishop. Ultimately, the priest advised that we cross the potential marriage bridge later and gave us his blessing to proceed.
When my son, Ross, was born I knew we needed to choose a godfather that Ross would look up to. I took note that there was one man who was always at church. He was a military veteran, which I knew my son would (one day) think was cool. I watched how he helped his nephew stand up and pay attention at the proper times during Mass and the way his nephew respected and wanted to please him. My husband and I surmised that if this guy could whip his nephew into shape, he could do the same for his godson. To this day, my son’s godfather stands with us in our pew at Mass, redirecting our son and providing a good example for him to follow.
In choosing god-families for my other children, we tried to pick younger adults who, God-willing, live to old age and are able to share in most of the life and formation of their godchild. I want these people to be able to influence and shape my son or daughter and support their spiritual growth—to “make up what is lacking” in me (so to speak). The most important criteria for us in selecting godparents are as follows: person is stable in their faith, has high moral character, and is committed to praying for our child.
Other considerations
A family with three daughters has recently joined our church, and they chose single women to be godmothers to their daughters. I am realizing now the genius of this move and marveling at their foresight. These young girls are sitting with their godmothers in church (freeing up their parents to worship in peace!) and are acting like perfect cherubs. Of course, when sitting with their actual parents, they are performing Cirque du Soleil in the pews (no offense, my kids do this too).
We didn’t consider whether or not our kids could sit with their godparents during church (in truth, I didn’t know this was possible!). Actually, many of our god-families have small children of their own, and me sending another one their way would just be cruel.
Ultimately, your reasons may vary somewhat from our reasons for choosing godparents the way we did. One dear friend shared with me recently that her children have plenty of young, Orthodox influences in their lives, so she and her husband chose “grandparent-like” godparents for their children. This gives their kids additional relationships in their lives with people from another generation. I think this is a valid decision and makes sense for their particular circumstances. Your choices may also depend on the composition, demographics, and size of your parish.
Whatever you do, pray about who is the right person to godparent your child. Trust that God will bring that person to your mind. You may also ask your priest to identify someone for you or to approve/disapprove of your choice.
What to Look for in a Godparent
- Pick someone who is a regular at Mass and confession. They need to be mature and faithful in their spiritual life.
- Your child can have more than one godparent, but you should choose at least one godparent that is of the same sex as the child. As your child grows, they will have more in common with someone of the same sex and may later share the same vocation (such as motherhood). If the primary godparent is married, it is common for the second godparent to be the spouse (but this may not be strictly necessary, ask your priest).
- Choose someone that you know is a prayer warrior and also who is discreet and will keep your confidence. As parents, you will want to share important needs and concerns with your child’s godparent. They need to be a trustworthy person and have solid morals.
- Think, is this person going to be able to be there for my kid when they are a teenager and don’t want to talk to mom and dad about something?
- Godparents don’t need to be a cradle Orthodox, but they should at least have been Orthodox for awhile (your Father confessor can advise on how long is appropriate). It’s important to know if the person is serious and committed to their conversion. Have they truly counted the cost?
- If possible, it’s so helpful to have godparents that attend your parish. There are practical reasons for this, such as having someone for your child to sit with in church on occasion, but there are also more serious reasons. If we want our children to be shaped, guided, and influenced by their godparents, it’s necessary that they are a regular part of their lives. Of course, we can’t control whether unforeseen job changes in the future may interfere with our best intentions to keep godparents nearby; however, it is wise to choose local godparents, if you can.
When we look around our parish today, my husband and I feel so blessed to see our god-families everywhere. As a couple with a baby who eight years ago wandered into a small church, meeting in the back room of an antique mall, without knowing a soul, it warms our hearts to think of how much our family has grown through the addition of god-families. This Orthodox family-by-choice has brought us crackers and Gatorade when we were sick, made us meals when recovering from childbirth, gone to their knees in prayer when our kiddos had their tonsils removed, and made our children feel special and loved with gifts and their time and attention, year after year. We thank God for the support and contributions of our children’s godparents. We pray for them regularly and teach our children to do the same. I pray that your god-families love you and yours this way, too.